Entrepreneurs thrive on the accolades lavished on them by partners and customers. We greatly enjoy walking out of the bank having just deposited a healthy commission check. These accolades alone can be intoxicating and addicting. But more than that they are alluring and enticing, pulling our devotions and attention away from the home and our commitments to spouse and family.
Earl Nightingale’s famous quote “We move toward, become like, and receive, that which we think about most” is very true. The concept is taught in nearly every circle that entrepreneurs will find themselves. However, the following is also true.
“We are drawn to and we seek after that which meets our needs.”
First, we have a chief aim and a desire. We think about and move toward that. Like a companion, a spouse. Then we begin to have our needs met through this companion. We are drawn deeper to them and we seek after them more. The cycle continues. We think and move toward, they reciprocate and meet needs, we think about more. Ultimately we marry.
With this in mind I would ask you to seriously consider your answers to the follow questions. Since marriage,
- What books do you have near you at all times and do you spend your time reading? When was the last time you read a book on enhancing your relationship?
- Have you received the same caliber of coaching for your marriage as you seek for your business?
- When you get the chance for down time, who do you wish to spend it with?
- What is the nature of your conversation with your wife/husband? Do you know his/her needs, desires, and dreams?
These balance and focus assessment questions will tell you what you think about most. They inform you as to where the gaps may be in your relationship that are causing it to have distress.
Of the careers listed with the greatest divorce risk, it was dancers, massage therapists, and bartenders who ranged the highest. http://lexfridman.com/blogs/thoughts/2012/04/14/divorce-rates-by-profession/
Nowhere is it listed simply “entrepreneurs”. We fill the ranks of many different businesses. Though we are in different fields, our needs and drives are very similar.
One characteristic that dancers and massage therapists have in common is the close intimate relationship that is created between the co-workers during the performance of work duties. Not surprising that these lead to difficulties in fidelity and keeping the intimacy strong in the marriage.
Not uncommon with anyone who is an entrepreneur is the danger of developing strong emotional and confusing relationships with co workers, customers, and partners with whom we spend an inordinate amount of time and often share far more in common with than our spouses. Very often we receive far more accolades and praise from these relationships than in our homes where we may be missed due to long hours at work or tired and withdrawn instead of engaged.
When our spouse sees the tired, stressed, and consumed side of us, it can be very hard for them to give us the accolades we crave and thrive on most since they are feeling alone and neglected themselves.
|
Several years ago I wrote a patent for a concrete block insulator. I worked long hours in the garage making mock ups, late nights on the computer scouring through patents and finding the “new and novel” hook that I needed for this new design. Then there came the fees for filing, and ultimately the patent attorney who argued the final challenges to get the patent awarded. Gina was supportive and there was a slight promise that the owner of the patented block these insulators fit would want to buy the new patent, or at least partner with us in the use of my insulator over the current one.
In the end, nothing came from it financially. We have a fancy certificate from the U.S. Patent office and a few remnants in the garage, but the project was a bust. Thankfully, I was employed with a State job and was not dependant on this venture making us a living. I had even more gratitude for a supportive wife who continues to have faith in my sometimes hair brained ideas.
These are the times that try entrepreneurial marriages and enough of them will collapse them.
It came down to balance in the end. Most of the hours on this project were late at night. Family time was taken and as a couple, we worked to communicate and make time for each other through the whole process.
|
Without a “relationship first and a deep friendship always” mentality, entrepreneurial life events can easily topple marriages. Even the writing of this work has been stressful on our relationship as it is another project in and above of the coaching and training business we both run together and the work I do in addition.
Gina and I still find ourselves having yet another of our “really, this is what we signed up for” conversations, we understand that long after the work ends, the project is finished, and we retire on some beach somewhere, that we are the only venture and the only start up that demands our constant attention. Every entrepreneurial couple must find their ultimate desire and goal in the relationship.
Success in the entrepreneurial marriage will only be had when there is balance and a commitment to the ideals and promise of family and marriage AND honest emotional vulnerability with your spouse.
These are not contractual agreements and business joint ventures that can easily be dissolved when one partner has had enough. There is no prenuptial agreement establishing the exit rules and strategy, “just in case”. This is just an invitation for failure and a pre planned default for when it gets real tough. Any marriage that is established with a prenuptial agreement is a marriage that has already visited the divorce attorney.
The marriage commitment is deeper than a start up spread sheet or business plan. But not unlike the start up, it requires equal devotion, love, and nurture to get it off the ground and sustaining it so that there is no chance of “bankruptcy”.
Michael Gerber said in his work “E-Myth”, that in business we have an obligation to our customer and to our employees to be successful. That we let down more than ourselves if we offer subpar service and product.
I argue that we owe the very same to our spouse and once children arrive, we have an obligation as spouse and then parents to treat the home with the same nurture and focus as we do a sales projection or prospect list. Spouse and famiy are our greatest “joint venture”. It is unfair to them to have our start up fail.
