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The Lost Art of Affection and the Sexualizing of Sex

Please bear with me as this is a long post.  It is impossible to cover the subject in a 7 second sound bite.  

If you seriously want to improve your relationship it is worth it to you to read the entire post.   

A recent private message on Facebook and

left Affection Respect Enjoyme reeling from disgust. Not from the person who reached out but to the therapist and her partner who were so blind to what was going on. A women saw a post I made in the thread of a FB page and messaged me about the emotional and physical disconnection she had with her partner. For him sex was a take it or leave it, mostly leave it if you can believe that. Not exactly the stereotype.  He had sided with their couples therapist.  The advice received was that if she needed sexual pleasure there were ways she could take care of it by herself, without him.  If all she was wanting was the physical pleasure, nearly endless possibilities abound for that.  But no amount of physical excitement can meet the deep emotional connection she desired. Nor can it send the message - "I want you, I desire you, I need you, I find you attractive, and I Love You" like a fulfilling sexual relationship can. 

The person writing me was lost, lonely, betrayed, and feeling abandoned by her partner and confused by the therapists advice.  The worst part is, she should not have been and in a healthy relationship she would not have been.  

I am writing to the men in the world who have confused porn sex and twerking with true and affectionate love making and the women who feel objectified or left with unmet need when the loving is over.  Unfortunately, men in many regards have lost the art of loving a women and as a result, are killing the pleasure that can come from a deep and affectionate relationship. Women are left to seek satisfaction personally or just go without, neither of which lead to longevity and depth in the relationship. 

WARNING - SEXUAL CONTENT AHEAD - if you find this topic offensive then I suggest you not venture in and more over, I suggest you not be in a committed relationship. The two go hand in hand. 

Losing The Art of Affection and Romance

The jokes and the paraded stereotypes are everywhere.  Men hate "Chick Flicks" and no self respecting male would ever let it known that they actually enjoyed The Notebook, Love Actually, or Must Love Dogs.  Men are being told that to love deeply, affectionately, and passionately is to be weak and un-masculine.  The chivalrous Don Juans of the past have given way to the demanding and demeaning Christian Greys of the world.  To be passionate has somehow been erased from the psyche and instead sex is to be a contact sport and something full of props and implements.  

What has happened to deep emotionally, soul connecting sexuality?  

To understand that sexual experience, you must first understand the complexity of being vulnerable and emotionally available.  You must be truly open and exposed to your partner and willing to emotionally risk.  Without that, tapping into your "Animal Instinct" is nothing more than animal and instinct.  I've seen that enough on the Discovery Channel to know that RobinThicke's version of sex has no place in a true relationship. 

"To Really Love A Women"

Not so many years ago, the song To Really Love A Women was a love ballad used in the movie Don Juan DeMarco.  It is deep.  It is passionate. It speaks to a type of passion and love that would satisfy anyone male or female if their lover were to engage with them.  The song brings out the way in which affectionate actions and passionate attention to your partners inner sexuality and not just the pleasure of the physical experience increases the depth and the romance.  To do this requires that you are emotionally and mentally engaged in the love making process and vulnerable to feel and perhaps be hurt but more likely be deeply rewarded physically and emotionally. This is what Dr. Sue Johnson refers to as synchrony sex.  The third and highest type of sexual experience a couple can have.  When a couple are deeply in love and fully engaged in each other they understand this depth of vulnerable sharing.  It is truly amazing.  This is what John Legend sings about in All Of Me.  In fact, any man wanting to learn how to love a women, could do well to listen to this linked playlist.

Are you giving All Of You to your spouse in the sexual relationship or is it purely a self pleasure taking?  That one question can alter the entire experience.

When we understand the potential that deep passionate sex has in creating connection and closeness we will seek it as often as we can.  This is not to say that strictly emotional sex, or strictly physical sex is not great in the relationship but if they are all you have it is wise to examine why it is that you have not been able to open to the full experience.  Lets talk about the how.  I warned you that this might get adult, and here we go.

Getting All Touchy Feely

Touch and the use of skin is probably one ot the greatest sexual tools you can have.  Sure it is great to "get to business", but what a difference it makes to slow down and explore.  Emotional teasing and expression is as equal to physical touch. When a man emotionally touches his partner though gentle expression of love and acceptance, he sends a strong message that she is needed for more than just the physical pleasure.  

Do you practice affectionate touch and connection throughout the day?  Do you reach out and show her that you A.R.E. there for for here and not just in the bedroom where she is more there for you?  Sexual fulfillment begins long before you actually slip away together.

Nothing is more common in our office than to hear a women express feelings of resentment and hurt that "all he wants me for is sex" and "It is as if I am not even there."  A man who truly understands how to make love will know that it is more than a 3 minute activity in the bedroom, but a constant and persistent act of emotionally reaching through affectionate acts like gentle touch, expression of love, acts of support, and even mopping the kitchen floor or cleaning a toilet or two.  When you caress and touch in a soft and passionate way throughout the day with words, actions, and touch you send a subtle and powerful message that you desire her, value her, appreciate her.  Nothing can be more fulfilling and sexually opening.  The therapist who advised my FB "friend" otherwise was way out of line.

When you know your partner, really know what they like and what they desire, it is easy to send affectionate and sexually affirming messages without groping and being over the top.  I gentle kiss to the back of the neck, a caress to the small of the back.  Saying I "I Love you because ...." so that they know why and not just hear you saying the words.  Maybe it is they way that you hug her and hold it for a good 20-30 seconds to allow the oxytocin to surge.  Not only do these things set the mood for potential sexual connection later, they boost the love mood in the moment.

You are also sending a strong message emotional message to your partner that "You ARE there" for them and that they are on your radar. This will make it less likely to run into a "headache" when to opportunity for sex comes up.   Not only that, but when these things are done openly your kids will develop a very healthy appreciation for what affection is. 

Boys and girls get their first understanding of true sexual relationships from observing their parents.  

Want to raise sons who understand affection, then be overtly affectionate.  Do you want your daughters to see how they can be treated with respect and dignity yet still be appreciated as a sexual partner and not just their body, than treat your wife like that.


"Men are like Microwaves, and Women are like Crock Pots" John Bradshaw

You've probably heard it.  Maybe even laughed about it, but there is real truth to the famous statement of therapist John Bradshaw.  What he was referring to was the fact that sexually, there is a vast difference for men and women.  As soon as a man figures this out he is far more likely to truly love their wife.

Start Your Engines - slowly.

Maybe this is new to you.  Perhaps you have never experienced real love making and it has only been surface and physical.  If so, go slow. Talk it out. Touch, talk, share, explore.  Sometimes the greatest sex has nothing to do with copulation and everything to do with kissing, touching, talking, and exploring.  

The more open, vulnerable, and honest you are the deeper and more fulfilling your sexual relationship will be. 

Maybe no one climaxes but you learn each others likes, dislikes, pleasures and potentials. Be the guide for each other and do not feel that you can not ask or say anything.  If you are at all uncomfortable or if you want to deepen your sexual understanding of each other download the sensate focus method document HERE and start exploring. 

Going down "there". Yes "THERE"  Let me start by saying, I had one of the saddest experiences in my counseling career with a couple who were so traumatized by over moralizing adults in their life that they could not let themselves enjoy the pleasure of touching each other in the genital area.  Their mouths gaped as I so cavalierly discussed the joy and pleasure that is had when you explore your partners "privates".  To touch and caress as foreplay seems so obvious, but to someone that has been shamed out of sex it can be incredibly fearful.  Suffice it to say that to touch each other in a pleasing and passionate manner in ALL areas of the body is one of the greatest feelings a couple can share.  And, to the guys, it is a surefire way to make sure that your female partner is fully satisfied. It should come as no surprise that even though you climaxed, she may be there languishing and wanting unless you took your time and truly "knew" her.  Digital fondling and caressing is a sure bet. Kissing never hurt either.  Listen to her.  Her words - her body.  The old saying "fools rush in" has no better application than right here.  

Some of the finest treats in life only materialize with time and gentle preparation. This is no exception and she deserves to "finish" as well. That is a generous lovers job. 

Tell each other what you like, what your not into right then, and what you want.  Get in tune with each other and let that guide you.  I guarantee you guys, if you will love her like that and less like a personal pleasure jungle gym, you will be invited back more and more.  If more couples were less Speed Racer and more Pepe la Pew they would find a whole new world just inside their own bedroom door.

However you decide to do it, I hope that you will find a deeper and more passionate experience with your partner in every intimate aspect of your relationship. 

Staying out of your bedroom but hoping you don't,

P.S.  Do you want to deepen your relationship and expand the potential?  Go to and signup for our relationship building newsletter/email group.  

P.P.S.  If you want to get a jumpstart on securing the kind of relationship that will last a lifetime, get your copy of Anatomy Of An Entrepreneurial Divorce with its Book, CD and DVD.  This single resource could be the best thing you ever did for your marriage.  Just pay shipping.  

Giving you the keys to Care-Free abundance and success, 
Brett M. Judd MSW
The #1 Coach for unlocking your Care-Free life
A Care-Free Mind is an Abundant Mind

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google




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