5 tools that can change your marriage for a lifetime

Let's be real honest! How many of you actually got married thinking this was a short term commitment and had the divorce all planned out. Crazy right? But how many of us all have come out of the infatuation and honeymoon phase and not continued to romance your spouse.  It is easy to do.  Work, school, kids, routine - it all adds up to a terrible combination of disconnection.  Even the best couples have moments when they lose sight of their destiny together.

In this article you will discover 5 tools that you can apply to your relationship that will create instant change.  You ready?

1. Treat them the way you did when you were dating.

This might seem really simple, but are you? Remember back to those long nights sitting on the phone forever or texting incessantly with nothing really to say, you just wanted to be connected.  What about the flowers you brought her when you would go out?  The cards, notes, letters, and special dinners and activities you concocted to make every moment special.  They worked then and I guarantee they will work again.  

2. Be honest, real honest about yourself.

One thing that will bring separation into a relationship fast, is the lack of vulnerability with each other.  Short comings, faults, and failures are a part of life and trying to pretend they do not exist can really cause distress in the relationship.  Trying to be more than we really are, or hide what we are really thinking can bring shame, distance, and separation.  

Be open with your spouse about your likes, fears, and hurt.  Make it personal by using "I" statements and discuss your needs not your partners lack (in your opinion.  For example - if I was upset and feeling like our relationship did not have enough play, like it was all work all the time (a common issue in entrepreneurial couples) I might say something like, "Gina, I miss you.  I miss the times when we could just curl up together and talk about life. Sometimes I don't talk to you for days it seems. I feel lonely when we don't connect."  "I" messages, when done correctly can really bring our partner into us and it shows them that we are real.  Notice I did not say "Gina, I need you and you are never there for me when I want you."  That only opens things for more disconnection.  Keep it real.  Keep it personal. Keep it "I".

3. Treat each other with respect.

Nothing is more disheartening than to hear couple disparage each other.  Bitter words will not draw your partner to you.  Harsh condemning of actions and belittling will not engender a desire to change and unite.  Does it drw you close?  Do you feel a burning need and desire to run into the arms of someone who is harsh to you?  Coming to terms with what you really want and desire is what # 2 is all about.  Whatever hurt you are feeling, the only way to move through it is to look back at #2 and get real personal.  What is it that you lack or need from your partner?   How have you pulled away and what is it protecting?  What do you need and how are you working to get it?  Disrespect will never get you what you need and want.

4. Stop talking to your friends and family about it!

Discussing the personal and sensitive issues of your marriage with your BFF's, buddies, and especially family will not help your marriage in the least! Rarely do they have the capacity to objectively see both sides.  They are YOUR, not their BFF.  YOUR mom will never side with your spouse (okay, some do, but it is rare).  Your friends and family want you to be happy and when you grumble, murmur, complain, and sometime bash your partner to them, they will only hear your side.  They will side with you because they are your friends.  They also don't often have the capacity to forget.  The next time you all get together and your BFF looks at your spouse, it will be with loads of personal information tainting their feelings and friendship. Private issues deserve private help.  Your friends and family might love you, but in this case they are not the ones to help. 

5. Get a coach, therapist, or at least a good book - before the trouble starts.

There is a dentist in our area that advertises a lot.  His USP is "don't wait until it hurts".  This is great counsel for marriages.  When you begin to wonder if you need help is the tme that you know you need help.  With over 50% of all marriages ending in divorce, there is a strong possibility that your parental blueprint was not set for marital success.  Don't go looking to your parents for help if they couldn't hold it together themselves. No successful athlete, business person, or, well anyone successful makes it there without a coach/mentor.  Great marriages are no different. Start with a few books. We recommend Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, and Willard Harley's His Needs Her Needs.  If your are an entrepreneurial couple, you will definitely want to get our book and CD/DVD package Anatomy Of An Entrepreneurial Divorce.  All of these are excellent starting points and will help you understand the dynamics in the relationship that are pulling on you.  Eventually we would love to see you in the Bankruptcy Proof Marriage Success Groups, but these books are great places to start.  

No matter what you do, let your spouse be your chief aim, your sole focus.  After all, you choose them and promised to be their one and only.  Make sure that you do everything you can to keep that promise and make it easy for them to keep theirs. 

#DontLetBusinessBankruptTheFamily choose to have a long and happy marriage.

Brett M. Judd MSW and Gina H. Judd LPC The Love Entrepreneurs - Where Love and Business Thrive

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